a journey

This week has been quite the week. Last Saturday, I developed a strange rash on my neck and under my chin which I deemed an allergic reaction to a nickel necklace I borrowed a few days earlier. Starting on Sunday night, the rash started itching severely. I spent the next few days in and out of the campus health center. The campus doctor I saw was not very cooperative when trying to work with me on an effective solution. Not only did the creme she prescribed not seem to be helping, but just trying to apply the creme irritated the area and created an incredibly itchy sensation. I called the doctor around Tuesday to ask for an oral steroid solution but she denied my request, despite my desperation, and even recommended that I stop applying Benedryl creme which was the only thing that seemed to provide temporary relief. I don't remember a time in the past year I've been more in pain than in those few days. I was taking at least 2 Benedryl pills a day and applying an ice pack to the area more than several times a day. My housemates felt genuine compassion for me. Kaitlyn came back from the store on Tuesday with my 2 medicinal requests, along with a Freebirds burrito for my dinner, chocolate milk, and ice cream. Anna woke up early on Wednesday to take me to an outside clinic where I was finally prescribed oral steroids.

I think I cried more between Monday and Wednesday than I have all year long. My condition frustrated me beyond belief because not only was I in pain, but it was completely preventing me from engaging my schedule and carrying out my usual activities. I went to give a class presentation with my group on Tuesday with red, puffy eyes, having only halfheartedly rehearsed it twice. Also, I had a finance paper due Thursday but it seemed like every time I tried to sit down to work on it, the itchy sensation would flare up. I was so indignant that this condition was slowing me down. However, my resolved attempts to resist it would completely break down with every itchy episode, leading to a fresh flow of genuine tears of frustration. Even through my pain, I sensed the Lord's presence with me. Beth Moore's words from Passion kept echoing in my head: "if God did not see that it could be used for your equipping, He would have said 'no'". I had to believe that my discomfort had a purpose and I was desperate for God to show me His will through this circumstance.

I think God granted me a few nuggets of wisdom through all this. First, I'm realizing how little I actually depend on God on any given day. How little I legitimately acknowledge with my life and my attitude that I can't live or function without Him. Second, I had spent some time meditating on Mark 11:22-25 a few days before this incident and I wonder if God could be using my skin condition to test my belief in His promise, challenging me to believe that if I have the faith to believe that He can heal me, it will be done. Third, I'm learning that intimacy with Him is not a given, even in suffering. As much as I can know in my head that Jesus has felt my pain and even so much more, something different has to happen in my heart for me to actually find joy in that. It requires me to lift my eyes above my circumstances and actually want the Holy Spirit to change my heart. I'm becoming convinced that joy can only be a product of the Holy Spirit working in my heart, helping me to relate my suffering to the suffering of Jesus. In that, He is giving me a new understanding of Matthew 11:28-30. Lastly, I'm learning to cherish moments of peace. As soon as I woke up on Thursday morning, I realized that I didn't feel any sensation at all around my neck but knew it would come back once I started moving around. Without shifting my position at all, I intentionally thanked God for the gift of a moment of peace and relief.

Even now, I'm still not really well. The oral steroids have done a lot but the severe itching on my neck has only been reducing to a prickly sensation of sorts. The rash on my neck had started looking better but last night, I woke up in the middle of the night subconsciously scratching at it. Now, the area just looks bruised and I don't know if I delayed the healing. In addition, I've developed all these little red bumps in different places on my body and they keep cropping up. They don't itch very much but still feel irritated, especially when clothing rubs at them. They weren't there when I went to the clinic on Wednesday so I have no idea if they are related to the rash or not.

I wish I had a resolute, concluding statement to this post but I really don't. I want so badly to be back to normal and am asking God for it but for this moment God has said "no" and is asking me to say "hallelujah" back. I'm trusting Jesus to heal me and restore my skin but don't know when or through what method it will happen. In the meantime I will choose to sit among the ashes with Job and accept this trouble from the Lord, trusting that He will absolutely use it for His highest glory.

"'Have faith in God,' Jesus answered. 'I tell you the truth, if anyone says to this mountain, 'Go, throw yourself into the heart of the sea,' and does not doubt in his heart but believes that what he says will happen, it will be done for him. Therefore, I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours...'" Mark 11:22-24

Labels: faith

You cannot be with people all of the time and have a ministry to people. The impact of your ministry to people will be in direct proportion to the time you spend away from people and with God.

Labels: faith, ministry

Last semester, I started volunteering one hour a week through a local non-profit that seeks to support the education system by providing mentors from the community to tutor and build relationships with students in certain public schools. The program I am a part of involves high school seniors and the effort is geared toward increasing students’ standardized test scores to meet a pre-determined “College Ready” benchmark. In short, we don’t want these students to have to waste a bunch of money taking remedial classes in college.

In my first few weeks, I met seniors Bethany, Paige, Jenny, and Briana and we started going through writing and reading exercises. Their capabilities and interest in the subject matter varied widely and even though their attendance was fairly sporadic, I was happy to think of them as my “regulars.” Writing was a struggle to get through for all of us – my kiddos didn’t enjoy putting forth the effort required for such a subjective subject and after all, who wants to sit down and write an essay in front of your tutor during your advisory when you could have easily have skipped the class? Yeah, exactly. Reading was better although I didn’t get to be as much a part of this process because I was blessed with such a tremendous amount of time off for Christmas break. I can only hope that the other tutors in my classroom provided good instruction for my girls.

With less than 3 weeks left before the next standardized testing opportunity, our group moved onto math today. As I grabbed the math binders from the bookshelf, one of the other tutors commented, “So you’re braving math today?” to which I happily responded, “Oh, I love math actually, Calculus was my favorite subject in high school!” As I walked to the back table, Bethany was waiting for me. Just as I thought it would be a one-on-one session, I noticed that Paige and Briana were sitting across the room. I tried to ignore the scowl I got from Briana (who has generally been the least interested participant) as I made them move to the back, all the while acting as enthusiastic as possible. A young man who I didn’t recognize was sitting a little ways off asked me if we were doing math. When I affirmed and invited him to the table, he shuffled over in his chair. I was thrilled to work with 4 students on my favorite subject. We worked through problems involving fraction conversions and operations, with all the students working at slightly different paces. All of my grade school training for these types of problems came back to me as I worked with them and I was able to demonstrate and teach certain processes and methods that worked well for me when I learned. At several points, I had the whole table smiling, and even laughing over my witty comments on their behavior (e.g. their tendency to whisper answers to each other when one of them was stuck). We worked all the way to the bell. Not surprisingly, Briana darted out as quickly as possible. Paige and Tyson actually stopped to quickly thank me before leaving. Bethany put her pencil down, thanked me as well and proudly declared, “Wow, I learned something new today!” My heart swelled with joy and pride. In that moment, I felt affirmed that every bit of my time spent with these students has been worth it. You know those times that God chooses to demonstrate His love in a very tangible way, by allowing you to see the fruit of your labor? For me, today was one of those days.

Labels: faith, life, ministry

I was walking home from class just now, reflecting on all this trouble I've gone through the last few days to line up my OU weekend plans exactly how I want them to go. I really wanted 2 tickets, at face value, and was relying on a friend of my brother's to make it happen. However, things fell through and I was left sorely disappointed. I set my expectations higher than they should have been and started trying to control all these different aspects. So naturally, when things didn't go my way, I was way more upset than I should have been.

Before Mike called me to tell me the bad news, I had been doing my quiet time, reflecting on the last half of John 18 where Jesus tells Pilate that His kingdom is not of this world. Through my meditation, God convicted me of how much of my time that I, as a servant of His eternal Kingdom, spend doing things to build my own kingdom - choosing my own agenda over things that my Master may be asking me to do or guiding me towards. I actually wrote in my journal, "What kind of servant is it who says to his master, 'I'll get to your stuff later, I'm kinda busy right now..." Any servant who demonstrated this attitude consistantly would be kicked out!

So what do I do after this wonderful revelation, but get upset to the point of tears over circumstances that I tried to control but didn't go my way. After my initial bout of disappointment, I started to ask myself why I wanted to go to the game and sit with certain people so badly. Well, because it's my senior year and I wanted to add this to my repitoire of amazing experiences that I can look back on and potentially brag about to myself or others (i.e. look at how much fun I had in college/what a committed college football fan I am/how awesome my experiences were, etc). I realized that building a kingdom doesn't just involve money and power, I also think it has a lot to do with pursuing enriching experiences for yourself at the expense of others and ultimately, looking out for your own interests, regardless of what it will take to get there and who gets inconvenienced in the process. It's not that desiring fulfilling experiences is bad or ungodly in and of itself, only when the motivation for doing it stems from pride and/or self-centeredness.

The next questions for me became, "Where are the eternal implications in this cicumstance? Where am I overlooking an opportunity to build Jesus' Kingdom instead of my own?" I know one thing: In general, attending a football game when I was 21 will not make a difference in eternity. But, what could make a difference is affirming my brother in the way he loved me well and sacrificed to try and get me 2 tickets. It could be in trusting and rejoicing in the fact that Lord has a different (and always better!) plan in mind for me to soak up the weekend. It could be demonstrating to the world that I am content, no matter the circumstances, because through Jesus, I have been given everything. Maybe that's what Paul means when he says to "Set your eyes on the things above, not on the things that are on the earth."

Jesus, Your Kingdom come, Your will be done on earth as it is in Heaven. Teach me to be a faithful servant to You and You alone. Amen.

Labels: faith, life

I didn’t consider applying for the position of Director in Ignite until the August retreat, even though the director at the time, Katy, had planted the idea in my head starting months before and had asked me to prayerfully consider it at least 3 times before the retreat. So, it was in the weeks between the retreat and the application deadline that I really set my mind and my prayers toward that decision. Katy had called me a few days after the retreat to hear my thoughts on the decision and to assure me that she would be praying for me. Through my own prayers that week, I knew that God has inclined my heart toward Ignite and has gifted me in the areas of leadership and administration. However, the more I thought about all the ways God is maturing Ignite, the more I was convicted that its new director should be called by God by more than just giftings and abilities. With that thought, I was convinced that I wasn’t supposed to apply. Katy (and God) had a different idea, though. A few days later, Katy and I spoke again and I told her what I had concluded. She accepted my reasoning but over the course of our conversation, she humbly shared some things God had showed her during her own struggle to discern whether God was leading her toward applying for director or not the year before. As someone who I knew could relate exactly to where I was, I treasured the wisdom she shared and determined that I needed to persevere in seeking the Lord because my decision was not yet made. Because the director application deadline was swiftly approaching, I decided to fast one meal every day until I heard a word from the Lord. During those days of prayer and fasting, I realized that there were certain, specific things that I desired so strongly for Ignite’s next director. I recorded those things in my journal on August 27th. I desired that the new director would:

1. Be on their knees consistently and often for Ignite
2. Change the dynamic of the exec body away from a focus on logistics to prayer over logistics
3. Be a visionary for Ignite and its future
4. Set the ultimate example of commitment and dedication to the Lord and to Ignite
5. Be tuned into the Spirit’s guidance

Thus, my questions to the Lord slowly turned from, ‘Have you given me a vision for Ignite?’ and ‘Is it within Your will for me to be director?’ to ‘Am I willing to seriously commit to these 5 things?’ and ‘Could God choose to mold me into the person who embodies these things?’

About 3 days before the application deadline, Katy called during church and left me a voicemail. I didn’t even have to check the voicemail to know what she wanted to talk about. However, I knew I couldn’t call her back until after a post-church coffee date I had scheduled with one of the execs I had worked closely with the year before. This girl is a prayer warrior, if I have ever seen one, and I have always admired her zealous love for the Lord which pours forth in every prayer, conversation, and relationship. Ironically, we were both considering the director position, yet our hearts were united in love for Ignite and excitement over all He was doing in the organization. Interestingly enough, it was that conversation that prompted my realization that God really had given me vision for the next year and it was only exposed through my heartfelt and genuine expressions of affection toward Ignite to someone who shared a similar heart and a similar perspective and experiences.

In short, my newfound vision consisted of prayer as the cornerstone of every need and decision and a new dynamic with the exec body that exemplifies unity of mind and heart, Godly encouragement, and prayer. My heart was full of gratitude to the Lord for revealing the vision He had planted in my heat and for inclining my heart toward the position of director as an appropriate means to execute that vision. I returned Katy’s phone call on my way home from the coffee date. I’ve never heard her speak more urgently and confidently to me before. She told me that she had been praying fervently over the passing of this torch and she was more sure than ever that I was it. She claimed that God had given her a resolute peace about me as her successor and she also told me of some interesting conversations she was a part of that to her, easily confirmed this conclusion. At that point, I updated her on what God had revealed to me and told her I was growing more confident that I was being called to apply. Another strong source of confirmation for me was my status with VLB. Not only had God provided a job offer for me early enough in the year to know that I wouldn’t have to spend any time at all recruiting for a job, but my start date was already set for September, at least half a month after the end of the retreat! God had purposefully and decisively opened the door with regard to my time during the year and my availability to attend the retreat. Even so, I knew I had some lingering questions and concerns and wanted to hear more about her experiences over the year. Wildly enough, some of the very concerns I brought up were things that she had been convicted to address in this particular conversation. It was so bizarre! By the time we hung up, I knew in my heart that God had made His will known to me.

I rested on the word of the Lord as I slowly and prayerfully filled out the director application and attended the interview. The night of the interview is when I received the call that the execs had selected me as the 2009-2010 Ignite Director. I am so thankful for God’s faithfulness in granting me vision and direction for the year, and impressing His own desires on my heart for me to lead Ignite in pursuing. This year, I know there will be many challenges – circumstances I fully expect and others that I would have never seen coming – but I feel ready and eager to face them with the support of my execs, through the power of Jesus.

Labels: faith, life, ministry

I have a testimony about how God provided for me in terms of housing this year. It was this past May that my plans for housing fell to pieces. I had been planning to live in the same place I lived last year but my old roommate (whose parents own the house we lived in) and I ended up having several conversations from which it was concluded that living together again was not an option. It was a completely unexpected circumstance. At the time, I was so, incredibly frustrated over how something that I just assumed for months was said and done could so quickly slip through my fingers. Even more frustrating was the fact that this conclusion was reached a week before I was supposed to leave for NYC for the summer and I was back at square 1 in terms of housing.

It was while I was in NYC that I had to reach out to my network to see what my options were and if there were any people out there who were in my same position as I was regarding housing. I have to confess my anxiety and lack of faith that God would provide for my needs in such a way so I didn’t feel like I was “settling.” I was so convinced that everyone remotely close to my network of friends had their housing situation taken care of and I was the only one who had been left in the dust. Throughout this whole period, God provided Daniel as my voice of reason – he constantly encouraged me to fight the temptation to doubt and assured me that I had options and that God would provide – all I needed to do is keep praying and waiting.

Then, God brought Anna. Anna had heard about my circumstances and messaged me out of the blue. She explained a little bit of her story, which seemed pretty similar to mine, and confidently shared details about her nature, personality, and expectations to see if we’d be a good fit. I was immediately drawn to her faith, genuine nature, and straightforwardness. After only 1 or 2 conversations over the phone, it was obvious to both of us that we wanted to live together. Anna started looking for 2 bedroom places but we quickly realized that we had a better shot of finding a good deal with a third roommate. Interestingly enough, several third roommate candidates had contacted me on separate occasions but they all fell through for one reason or another. Anna and I were about to give up on the idea of a third person when one of my very close friends told me about Kaitlyn. Kaitlyn was getting ready to move to Texas since she had just graduated from college in May and she came highly recommended by my friend as a potential roommate. I was a little skeptical considering we were on a time crunch but I agreed to speak with her. After speaking with Kaitlyn for a little while that same night, Anna, Kaitlyn, and I ended up having a three way phone conversation. We discussed everything from personalities, family, tendencies of our nature, roommate experiences from past years, housework, and expectations for the year – some topics which I never discussed with my roommates last year the entire year. I was so, so encouraged by the time I hung the phone up and I had so much confidence that with these two girls, it was going to be a great year.

Our next obstacle was trying to find a place. Kaitlyn drove to town to help Anna search for places and the two of them kept me updated on the search. They didn’t seem satisfied with anything they were looking at and for about a week, we thought that we’d have to settle for a 2 bedroom place. Right as I was getting used to the idea of living with someone in the same room, Anna called me to say that they had stumbled across the cutest 3 bedroom townhouse close to campus that was being renovated. Both her and Kaitlyn seemed extremely excited and wanted to sign the lease as soon as I was comfortable. I didn’t have much choice except to trust their judgment and thought it well beyond me to squelch their enthusiasm. We signed the lease shortly after.

I moved in a few days before the start of the semester and instantly fell in love with the house and my new housemates. God truly has knit our hearts together and He has taught me soooo much already about faith, prayer, and His character through their lives and testimonies. Kaitlyn and I have prayed together for everything from healing of sins, to wisdom in making tough decisions, to endurance to complete tedious tasks. Anna and I have shared deep insights and wisdom that we have received from the Lord through our past experiences and mistakes. The three of us have intentionally set aside one dinner a week to eat together. We freely share food, clothes, and other possessions. I am so, so blessed and encouraged.

One of the neatest things is that Kaitlyn, Anna, and I have intentionally celebrated God’s provision together for our housing situation on so many occasions and continue to remain in awe of how God took such broken, uncertain circumstances and question marks and turned them in to something more beautiful than any of us could have ever imagined. My housemates and our townhouse are two things that serve as a reminder to me of God’s goodness every single day. I used to wish that I could package Anna and Kaitlyn up and take them to NYC with me next fall. However, because of their example, I now have faith to believe that if I ask the Lord, He is capable of providing (at least two!) friends in NYC that will encourage me toward prayer and spur me on toward Jesus as much or more as these two girls do presently. Amen and amen! I. can’t. wait.

Labels: faith, life

As mentioned in my last post, I was drifting in and out of sleep on my bus ride home from the retreat. That statement was actually foreshadowing a 4 day fever that would start just hours after returning home from camp. I had all these grand plans for my time at home before moving up to school but instead, most of my time was spent sleeping, drinking liquids from a straw, trying to accommodate my freezing cold and suddenly blazing hot body, and watching Harry Potter movies. When my fever didn't go away after 3 days, I went to the doctor and finally got antibiotics. Praise Jesus for his common grace to doctors and pharmacists for things like pills that make you magically functional again.

All week long, I was waiting for a phone call from VLB to let me know whether I had received a job offer. It was pretty hard to wait considering the hustle and bustle of my last week of work. One thing I really appreciated was being able to pray with my two best friends from high school about this final outcome of the summer. I had no other choice but to be confidently assured that whatever happened was completely in God's hands and He would use this opportunity to clearly reveal the direction He desired for my life. Finally, it was Friday and I got the call... and the job offer!! Wow - praise the Lord for He is good. It took a week or so after that for it to really sink in and for me to think about all the amazing implications of that phone call. No recruiting for a full-time job this fall, no more suits or high heels for an entire year, no cover letter writing, no career fairs... It wasn't even September of my senior year and the Lord had provided me a job in an awful economy - and not just any job, the most ideal job opportunity that I never could have pictured when I started college. I am genuinely overwhelmed with thankfulness every time the reality of my life at this point in time sinks in. The verse that comes to my mind regarding this is James 1:17, "Every good thing given and every perfect gift is from above, coming down from the Father of lights..." I have been given so much... thank you, Jesus.

Before I knew it, it was already time to pack up my stuff for college. It was sad to leave my family but at the same time, I was really eager to meet my new roommates and move into my new place (stay tuned for the story of how this housing situation fell into place - it is yet another testimony of the goodness of our Lord). In short: Since all the details of my housing situation had been initiated and finalized while I was in NYC for the summer, I had yet to see my house and meet my roommates in person.

The last few weeks have been a crazy whirlwind. School is well underway, college football has started, Ignite has a new director (more on that later as well), and I recently accepted my job offer at VLB. I am so excited to soak up my last year in college and experience all the amazing things God has for me this year - I will definitely keep you all posted =]

Labels: faith, life, work

As soon as I flew into Texas from the City, I headed straight to the Ignite retreat to soak up the last half of my "reward" after all the hard work I put into this ministry during this past school year. I didn't get to the retreat site until 1:30 AM. As I jumped out of the car and started walking, I happened to look up at the sky and distinctly remember thinking, 'Wowwww, the sky is HUGE!!!' See, Daniel has always commented on the vastness of the sky on his Texas visits, but it wasn't until I spend a whole summer in a city whose buildings and architecture impede the beauty of nature that I fully understood his perspective. Starry nights have never been so beautiful to me as they were in that moment. Even though it had been an exhausting day of work, saying good-byes to my NYC team, and travel, I was so eager to hug my college friends and ministry partners and jump into what God was doing at the retreat so far. It was wonderful to see my Ignite family and be so encouraged by them. One fun difference of this retreat is that my little brother was attending as a camper and he was able to fill me in on things I had missed out on. His joy and enthusiasm over the people he met and what he was experiencing was so exciting and refreshing.

The next morning during small group time, one of the other Execs asked me to prayer walk with her around the camp site over the small groups and the campers and staff. I was so thankful for that opportunity and loved getting to pray with someone over the campers, their time at the retreat, and their upcoming years in college. As we circled the camp together and our prayers flowed freely and easily, I couldn't help but mull over my different attitude toward prayer in NYC vs. Texas. Lord, why does it feels so incredibly difficult to pray in NYC? I'm still trying to process this idea and am becoming convinced that the difficulty is a result of the magnitude of sin and thorny soil in NYC. Sin from greed, pride, sex, and money run rampant in the City and there is so, much, ground to cover in prayer for God to redeem it as over 8 million people swarm Manhattan island on any given day. It was about a year ago where God revealed to me just how much the message and hope of Jesus is constantly choked out by "the worry of the world and the deceitfulness of wealth" (Matthew 12:18-23). I desire more insights into this, especially if God calls me back to the City for full-time work.

My tardiness to the retreat brought some funny reactions. Some people (pretty much all of the campers) had no idea who I was or confused me for another camper. I also became the butt of some jokes and teasing since I was the one who "spend the summer working on Wall Street" and that was 'such a big deal.' Others - mainly the other business majors - were eager to talk to me about my experience and glean any insight I could give them regarding recruiting, careers, and the banking industry. This was a much welcomed reaction because it was such an amazing blessing for me to offer any advice and insight that came to my mind to these eager students, especially considering how much I have been aided and offered wisdom by my older business peers (It should be said that Daniel has permanently reserved a place at the top of this list!). I was glad to help in any way I could and hope that God gives me many more opportunities to share with others with any wisdom and encouragement I gained from Him through my recruiting and internship experience in the past year. I submit that it would be a supreme dishonor to the Lord if I selfishly kept those blessings to myself.

Then, the retreat was over as quickly as it had started for me. Before I knew it, I was drifting in and out of sleep on a bus from the retreat site, trying to tune in to as many inspiring comments from the campers behind me. Without even talking to the rest of the Execs as a group, I know that we are all in awe of how God showed up at camp and took the retreat by storm. It made every second of the work we did for Ignite this past year worth it. We can't wait to see what He does through us this next school year.

Labels: faith, ministry

It's hard to believe I've been in New York for nearly 6 weeks already. Lots and lots of people have asked me how my internship is going, what I think about the City, and if I could see myself moving back here after I graduate. Since I am nearly midway through my internship, I'd like to think that I'm starting to have some solid answers to those questions but the truth is I really have no idea. Parts of my internship are so great - more than I could have asked for - but other parts could be better. There are many things I love about the City but there are also things I really don't like at all. I could definitely see myself in the City long term but it's easy to say that during the summertime, when I know I'll be gone way before the awful, cold, dreary, windy, frigid winter. But can I say that because my personality is very adaptable or because I really am drawn to this place?

I think it's pretty pointless for me to even think about answering some of those questions until I know whether VLB will offer me a job or not - this one detail will certainly change a lot of things. That detail is a story in itself though. This past week, all the interns in our division were split into groups of 4-5 and were assigned a prompt that we have to research and prepare a formal presentation on, which we will present to several managing directors and other high up people at the end of the summer. I've been told that this presentation is weighted heavily in discussions for full time offers so of course, I'm already nervous about it and it's over a month away. Even though I'm at a bank with a much more easy going, laid back culture than some, it's still competitive and it's so easy to get carried away with a "do-whatever-it-takes-to-impress-people," "stand-out-above-the-rest" and "network-with-as-many-people-as-possible" kind of attitude. It's even easier to forget that God's soveriengty and His promises to work for the good of those who love Him are just as true now, in the midst of competition and uncertainty, as they always were. It's a challenge for me to focus my heart on resting in Him versus thinking about what more I can do at work.

So, I've been pondering what the long term could look like and am trying to stay grounded and trust that God knows exactly what He's doing with me at every step, even when it's difficult for me to see or understand.

Labels: faith, life, work

God completely humbled me this past weekend in terms of my leadership in Ignite. On Saturday, we held our annual Car Wash/Forty Acres Fest fundraiser. (Forty Acres Fest is a carnival type event on campus where lots of campus organizations set up booths to get their mission out to the public, sell items to raise money, and compete for cash prizes in categories such as "Most Spirited" and "Most Creative Booth") Every year half of the Ignite staff goes to Forty Acres Fest to sell hot dogs and Dublin Dr. Pepper and the other half goes to a local Chick-Fil-A restaurant to hold a car wash on the same day.

This year was a little bit different than past years because the execs decided that in order to fully utilize the quantity and maturity of the staff this year, we needed 2 locations to have car wash instead of just 1. This was also the year that the Chick-Fil-A we work at every year had to tell me "no" because of an unexpected utility expense they incurred earlier this year. That phone call from Chick-Fil-A was the first of many things that went "wrong" for me as I worked to try and make this fundraiser happen.

Even though I'm getting significantly better at planning, organizing, and delegating responsibilities for these fundraising events, I still have a long way to go. The perfectionist in me feels like such a failure when my plans don't work out or things fall through or expectations are not met, or even when I get so overwhelmed that I have to let go of a task that I feel should be under MY responsibility. I managed to find the first car wash location fairly easily from a recommendation by a fellow exec. However, my challenges started with trying to find a 2nd location for car wash. I became increasingly frustrated as I battled to even get the proper representative on the phone to request the possibility of hosting a car wash. When I finally did reach the people I needed to talk to, receiving rejection after rejection was harsh and disappointing.

Because I happened to have 3 tests to worry about the week of the fundraiser, plans got pretty disorganized and half hazard toward the end, I couldn't delegate well, mis-communication happened, and I had to scramble at the last-minute to make sure everything was in place for Saturday. All of this contributed to some resentment toward the execs and a lot of frustration and condemnation on my part as the only thing I could think about was what I could have done better.

But God...

... showed up in such a huge way on Saturday. I was at Forty Acres Fest all day and it seemed like we couldn't grill hot dogs fast enough for the amount of people who wanted them. Even though we planned for 100 (which seemed like a lot when I was at HEB), we had a constant stream of hungry customers all day long and ended up running out of hot dogs twice. The staff members with me went above and beyond my expectations by going up and down the tables at the Fest, taking hot dog orders from students who were working at other booths.

Car wash was an even more incredible story. Some of the staff members with me on campus keep getting periodic text message updates from the staff members at car wash. Those guys were ranking in the cash. Not only did they have a steady stream of cars pull in to be washed, but the average donation per car was much more than we had expected. Near the end of the day, our staff actually washed a fire truck! Total cash donations went from $100 to $350 to over $600.

In just 7 hours, Ignite raised right at $1,000 which is 5% of our total fundraising goal for the entire year!! I say that God humbled me because He did. I got a lot of feedback from the staff at car wash who said they were so swamped with cars, they needed every single person that was there. Splitting the staff up to go to 2 car wash locations would have been unnecessarily stressful.

Praise God that His will prevailed despite my best efforts and stubborn attitude. God showed me that there is a difference between a desire for God's will to be done and actually seeking to know what His will is. The exec staff has submitted the organization, through prayer, to Christ many times and even though that sounds good, I think we still have a lot to learn about what it looks like to demonstrate faith and submit to Christ with our actions. Granted, His will prevails regardless, but I think we can certainly be spared of frustration and resentment along the way.

Labels: faith, ministry

I had the most interesting, unrelated-to-anything-I-was-doing-at-the-time conviction during the Ignite prayer meeting this week. We were singing worship songs and my mind started drifting to anxious thoughts about how I was going to get home from the meeting. I started thinking about whether I could escape early enough to catch the bus and if not, from whom should I ask for a ride and when? My eyes started scanning the room of people and before I knew it, the worship song were were singing was all but over and I had barely participated.

In that moment, I felt the weight of conviction about my future car - the one that I will get, God-willing, at the end of my summer internship. Having gone through the trial of being without a car for most of college (and yes, I really would consider this a trial of sorts), I know that my future car is to be used as a ministry tool to serve others. You may think that 2 Corinthians 1:3-4 is an interesting verse to apply to this situation, but the fact that I thought of it while I was typing this leads me to believe I'm supposed to share it. If God will choose to comfort my seemingly constant anxiety of getting from A to B safely and in a timely way by providing a car for me to steward, how I can I refuse the opportunity to use that blessing to comfort others?

Although I don't know exactly how this conviction will flesh out realistically (when do we ever know immediately?), God did bring some ideas to my mind:

-I want my future roommate to KNOW, without a doubt, that my car is always available for their use, no matter how many times they have to ask. Whether they don't have a car at all or their car is in the shop or they need transportation to/from the airport, my car is for these things.

-I want to specifically and intentionally let Ignite (or whatever other ministry I am involved in) know that I am available to drive people to their off-campus homes after our late prayer meetings and can pick them up to attend Ignite events as well. I don't know how many times in college I have been interested in attending a church or ministry-related function but ended up not for lack of a way to get there. I want to make a Facebook group. I want to stand up at the end of an Ignite meeting and ask everyone who needs a ride to their off-campus home to come to me. How I long for someone to do that this year!

-I will never drive only myself to church.

Amen, Lord, make these things so.

Labels: faith

My three roommates and I have this next door neighbor named Doreen. She is 87 years old, lives alone, owns about 6 cats and dogs, drives a turquoise jeep, and can be continuously seen in her yard pulling weeds or watering her yard. When we first moved in, my roommates happened to all meet her before I did. So, my first second-hand impressions of her were that she is friendly, talks A LOT, gossips about the neighbors, and will keep you locked into a one-sided conversation for up to an hour. That didn't give me much motivation to meet her in the first place but I knew I had to eventually considering she knew my name, major, hometown, and the fact that I don't own a car. When I finally did go over and introduce myself early in the fall, she definitely kept my attention for over half an hour, telling me all about her pets, things she did in her childhood, which neighbors had which psychological illnesses, and which ones were desperate for husbands.

Since that first encounter, I have had several other conversations with her and they all seem to turn out the same. She will ask me one or two question about myself and then launch off into story after story after story. Although some of her stories are amusing, I can only feign interest for so long. I know that she is lonely and just needs someone to talk to but I will readily admit that it is so, so difficult for me to be around that woman and show patience. Even so, Doreen has grown on 2 of my roommates over the course of the semester. One of these roommates came up from home several times to visit Doreen and keep her company during the holiday season. The other roommate spent about 3 hours in our backyard with Doreen the other day cutting down weeds and pesky trees. They have developed an incredible sense of compassion and love for her that I just can't find within my own heart for some reason.

A few weeks ago, we found out Doreen was going to have surgery on February 4th in an effort to replace her left shoulder which has been immobile for awhile now. We've all been especially nervous about the procedure considering her age and the fact that she does not believe in Jesus. For these last few weeks, I have tried reflecting on several different Truths in an effort to feel motivated to demonstrate sacrificial love to Doreen. I've thought about the Golden Rule in Deuteronomy 6, the numerous verses all over Scripture which command us to take care of the poor and widowed and serve "the least of these". This may sound far-fetched, but I've even tried picturing Doreen as Jesus in light of the prophesy in Matthew 25 that describes how the sheep will be separated from the goats. Still, my motivation always wears off eventually.

Today, as I thought about Doreen recovering in the hospital, I questioned God about my heart regarding her. Have I really grown so cold-hearted that the thought of going to visit her seems like such a burdensome obligation? Is the knowledge of her suffering eternal damnation not enough for me to give up several hours of my day to listen to her? This was truly a disturbing reflection so I proceeded to tell God why I was finding it so difficult to love her. It was about here when God hit me with a pretty strong conviction. See, I was telling Him that Doreen just doesn't stop talking, and she's so SELFISH... all she talks about is herself and doesn't even considering stopping to listen to anything from the person she's talking to. Which sounds kind of like... me.

After all, I cannot easily separate myself from the masses of disciples who pray many selfish, one-sided prayers, and rarely stop their stream of many words to listen to the One with whom they are speaking. Yet, what an incredible love the Father has for us that He not only listens patiently and selflessly, but continues to direct our paths, grant our requests, shower us with grace and good gifts, and make Himself known to us anyway. Wow.

Therefore, I choose to go joyfully to the hospital today to listen, with the utmost humility, to whatever Doreen wants to say. Thank you Jesus, for your incredible patience and unconditional love.

Labels: faith, life

I met some friends tonight for dinner at a pizza place on the drag and was disappointed to realize they no longer offered a "pizza by the slice" deal. With leftovers for the weekend in mind, I forked over the money for a 10 inch pepperoni pizza with tomatoes and artichoke hearts. As we were getting ready to leave, I noticed my friend was getting ready to throw her last 2 slices away just because she had picked off and eaten all the toppings. In typical college student fashion (we live for free food), I salvaged her slices and added them to my take-home box which already contained about half of my own pizza.

As I walked with my friends down the drag, a homeless man noticed the pizza box sitting comfortably under my arm and gently stopped me with a request for any food I could spare. Without even thinking, I opened my box and handed him my friend's 2 slices - the food that she had been about to throw away. As I was handing it to him, the man mentioned that he normally gets dinner from a church every Thursday but he missed it tonight and was very hungry. I sensed the genuineness in his voice and in that moment, was very grateful I could tangibly provide for his immediate need. However, as I caught up to my friends I started to think...

"Why didn't I give him some of MY pizza?"

In that moment I remembered one of the most straightforward lessons God had convicted me of this summer at Student Life camp: that God delights in us when we give out of our best and most valuable possessions, not just out of our abundance of wealth (Mark 12:41-44). After all, all I gave him was essentially cheese pizza and the pizza I had ordered was not only more fresh (I had gotten to the place 30 minutes later than everyone else), but it had meat and vegetable toppings which was more substantial and contained more protein. As I pondered this, another question entered my head,

"Why didn't I just give him the whole box?"

The whole box could have fed him for another day or two instead of simply 1 meal. I almost felt ashamed about forgoing such a unique opportunity to bless someone else. Not that I am condemning my action, but I really believe this incident was a divine appointment from God that He specifically purposed to reveal Truth to me.

Lord, my heart is pure. Open my eyes to more opportunities to honor You by giving my best to the "least of these."

Labels: faith

“You shall have no other gods before Me.”

I’ve understood for a long time that God is a Jealous God and He absolutely detests idolatry in the lives of His children. In my youth group in high school, we were often warned of the dangers and consequences of placing anything in our lives before Christ. Thankfully, God has taught my heart to fear Him in this regard though recently, I felt led to investigate the topic of idolatry further. Through my study, I found tons of examples in the Old Testament where people made idols and served them, sometimes going as far as burning incense to these false gods (2 Kings 17:11-12). Most of the time, idols were handmade and were constructed out of materials like silver, wood, stone, and gold (Deut 29:17, Ps 115:4). I realized that wood in and of itself is not an evil thing. In fact, carpenters have been using wood since Biblical times to benefit our society by building furniture and tools. Wood is not detestable in God’s sight, it’s a tool He gave to mankind – he created it! What is detestable to God is when someone takes a piece of wood and dedicates time, energy, attention, and effort to sculpt an object of worship out of its form. It is the attitude of someone towards that piece of wood that determines whether it’s good or evil.

For us, I believe the principle is the same. Only instead of wood or stone, we build up idols out of wealth, loved ones, reputation, goals, and aspirations for the future. In 1 Cor 10:14, we are called to flee from idolatry. In fact, idolatry is a sin which is considered an act of our old, sinful nature which has no control over us as believers in Christ Jesus. I realized something else though, which I believe is just as important: God doesn't necessarily ask us in His Word to get rid of anything and everything that could ever potentially become an idol or object of worship (i.e. wood, stone, gold). It’s not about the thing. It’s about the condition of our heart towards it. It’s about the condition of our heart towards Christ. The Lord is to be feared above all gods (1 Chr 16:25). He desires that our hearts overflow with love and affection for His Name which will inevitably lead to unashamed worship and fruitful service. It’s when we reach that point, when we wholeheartedly seek His face and center our hearts on His love that all the idols and gods of this earth become tiny specks compared to the un-surpassing brilliance of His glory.

Labels: faith

I have a miracle to declare. Jesus healed my stomach last night. I’m at the coast with the youth group on our last trip of the summer and last night was the night I gave my talk to the youth. After our worship time last night, my 10^th grade girls and I made our way back to our condo to settle in for the night. I went into the bedroom to call Daniel and tell him the crazy things God did through my talk (which is a very cool story in itself). Toward the end of our conversation, my stomach started to feel sick but I didn’t think much of it. I fell asleep pretty quickly after we hung up. Not even an hour later my stomach jolted me awake and I was sure I was going to throw up. I got out of bed, grabbed my phone and a trash can and walked outside to get fresh air. I felt miserable. At that point my body started shivering in addition to my nausea. I didn’t know whether to knock on our youth director’s room and tell her I was sick or not. I felt really lonely as I sat there, completely unprepared for this situation.

Finally, I called Mom. Growing up, my mom has always been the one I’ve gone to every time I woke up sick. Even if she couldn’t be there with me, I just wanted to hear her voice. When she found out I was sick she told me she was going to read Scriptural prayers for healing over me. The book she went to get was the same one I had constantly chastised her for reading in lieu of personalized prayers. I had always pridefully claimed that reading pre-written prayers was not genuine. At this particular time though, I was not opposed to the idea considering how sick I felt. As she read, she specifically inserted my name and condition and made the prayers very personal. My soul was immediately comforted as words of Scripture washed over me. After a few minutes, I noticed that I had stopped shivering. I told Mom. She told me she would keep reading and she did. Eventually, I realized that I felt more tired than sick so I carefully made my way back to bed. Mom continued reading to me as I lay in bed and as my stomach improved, I drifted in and out of sleep. Finally, I realized that I was not going to be sick and felt good enough to fall asleep for the rest of the night.

At that point, Mom and I started talking and I got the opportunity to tell her how my talk went. We noted that my sickness might have been a spiritual attack in light of what I talked about to the youth. We agreed that Jesus healed my stomach through our faith and through Mom’s prayers. Also, God clearly showed me that He is in the process of healing and reconciling my relationship with my mom. I realized with joy that this act of God is something He wants me to declare. In obedience to this calling I declare to you now that Jesus healed my stomach last night. He is alive today. Believe that He is able to do immeasurably more than all we ask or imagine.

Labels: faith

In exactly one week, I will be in Corpus Christi with the youth group, speaking to about 60 senior high kids and parents about obedience and how obedience to God’s will leads to intimacy with Him. I guess I can’t consider it ironic then that the last several days have been full of spiritual warfare as I examine and combat my own pride and rebellion. In several recent instances, the opposition between my flesh and the Spirit in me has broken me to the point of tears. I very much relate to Paul who says, “I joyfully concur with the law of God in the inner man, but I see a different law in the members of my body, waging war against the law of my mind, and making me a prisoner of the law of sin which is in my members” (Romans 7:21-23). On top of this struggle, I often allow condemnation to set in when I recognize my failure to live up to my Spirit-revealed convictions. In short, the last few days have left me spiritually and emotionally exhausted. Maybe it’s not all the work of the enemy, though. Maybe some of it is God testing me and my own conviction to be a doer of the Word and not just a hearer. Maybe this is His way of humbling me and removing any arrogance that would be present as I stand before those senior high kids next week. Whatever the case, it’s been difficult to find joy in my present circumstances. It’s much easier to simply look forward to the day when I can move back up to my beloved college town and “escape” from these issues that seem to magnify when I’m here at home. However, I am thoroughly convinced that a temporary escape is not an option as I sincerely desire spiritual growth and sanctification. So, in light of the Truth that my God bestows unfailing love and restoration, I take hope in His promise to perfect the good work He started in me (Phil 1:6).

When clouds vein sun
And disaster comes
Oh, my soul
Oh, my soul

Ever faithful
Ever True
You I know
You never let go
You never let go

Labels: faith

At this point, I'm pretty convinced I have the best internship in the world. This summer I'm a senior high youth intern at a Methodist church in San Antonio and our youth group just got back from SL Camp in Colorado. For me, it was one of the greatest weeks of the summer so far (despite the awful camp food, 22 hour bus ride, and not-so-impressive skits). I loved the way our speaker captivated our attention with his dry humor and vivid illustrations. He did an amazing job of logically unpacking the Truth in Jesus' teachings and challenging us to respond to the message. I also loved the way our worship leaders humbly led us to the throne room of God.

I had the honored role of "family group leader" for 4 beautiful 10th grade girls from our church. I can't describe what a blessing it was to witness what God did in our group over the course of camp. To several girls, God challenged them to pursue Jesus in spite of distractions, complacency, and emotional deception. To one, God revealed some issues of idolatry and to the other, the Lord confirmed His immediate calling for her life and challenged her to deepen her understanding of His holy character. At one point, I believe that the enemy was at work to raise up barriers and disrupt the unity that existed in our fellowship. However, God was faithful to preserve unity and He allowed us all to experience His manifest presence over the course of the week. For the first time all summer, I have hope for the students in our youth group. I have hope that they will rely solely on Jesus (verses a camp, mission trip, or an experience) for growth, conviction, direction, and intimacy with the Lord. I have hope that God can and will use them to make a difference for Christ in this world.

One of my favorite moments came midway through the week during our church time after corporate worship. Our church had been assigned a lecture hall in the chemistry building to meet. In that room on this particular rainy night, one of the other interns was leading us in praise and worship and we were all singing "Rain Down." All at once, I noticed some people near the door start scrambling for a trash can to catch the rain drops that were leaking through the roof of that lecture hall on the first floor of the chemistry building. Clearly, God was present with us, acknowledging the words we were lifting up to Him.

As one of the youth directors says, I got a front row seat to the glory of God this week and it was awesome. My prayer is that I will be faithful and bold to respond to what God showed me personally this past week for the sake of not wasting this amazing experience.

Labels: church, faith