Saturday, April 24, 2010
sitting among the ashes
This week has been quite the week. Last Saturday, I developed a strange rash on my neck and under my chin which I deemed an allergic reaction to a nickel necklace I borrowed a few days earlier. Starting on Sunday night, the rash started itching severely. I spent the next few days in and out of the campus health center. The campus doctor I saw was not very cooperative when trying to work with me on an effective solution. Not only did the creme she prescribed not seem to be helping, but just trying to apply the creme irritated the area and created an incredibly itchy sensation. I called the doctor around Tuesday to ask for an oral steroid solution but she denied my request, despite my desperation, and even recommended that I stop applying Benedryl creme which was the only thing that seemed to provide temporary relief. I don't remember a time in the past year I've been more in pain than in those few days. I was taking at least 2 Benedryl pills a day and applying an ice pack to the area more than several times a day. My housemates felt genuine compassion for me. Kaitlyn came back from the store on Tuesday with my 2 medicinal requests, along with a Freebirds burrito for my dinner, chocolate milk, and ice cream. Anna woke up early on Wednesday to take me to an outside clinic where I was finally prescribed oral steroids.
I think I cried more between Monday and Wednesday than I have all year long. My condition frustrated me beyond belief because not only was I in pain, but it was completely preventing me from engaging my schedule and carrying out my usual activities. I went to give a class presentation with my group on Tuesday with red, puffy eyes, having only halfheartedly rehearsed it twice. Also, I had a finance paper due Thursday but it seemed like every time I tried to sit down to work on it, the itchy sensation would flare up. I was so indignant that this condition was slowing me down. However, my resolved attempts to resist it would completely break down with every itchy episode, leading to a fresh flow of genuine tears of frustration. Even through my pain, I sensed the Lord's presence with me. Beth Moore's words from Passion kept echoing in my head: "if God did not see that it could be used for your equipping, He would have said 'no'". I had to believe that my discomfort had a purpose and I was desperate for God to show me His will through this circumstance.
I think God granted me a few nuggets of wisdom through all this. First, I'm realizing how little I actually depend on God on any given day. How little I legitimately acknowledge with my life and my attitude that I can't live or function without Him. Second, I had spent some time meditating on Mark 11:22-25 a few days before this incident and I wonder if God could be using my skin condition to test my belief in His promise, challenging me to believe that if I have the faith to believe that He can heal me, it will be done. Third, I'm learning that intimacy with Him is not a given, even in suffering. As much as I can know in my head that Jesus has felt my pain and even so much more, something different has to happen in my heart for me to actually find joy in that. It requires me to lift my eyes above my circumstances and actually want the Holy Spirit to change my heart. I'm becoming convinced that joy can only be a product of the Holy Spirit working in my heart, helping me to relate my suffering to the suffering of Jesus. In that, He is giving me a new understanding of Matthew 11:28-30. Lastly, I'm learning to cherish moments of peace. As soon as I woke up on Thursday morning, I realized that I didn't feel any sensation at all around my neck but knew it would come back once I started moving around. Without shifting my position at all, I intentionally thanked God for the gift of a moment of peace and relief.
Even now, I'm still not really well. The oral steroids have done a lot but the severe itching on my neck has only been reducing to a prickly sensation of sorts. The rash on my neck had started looking better but last night, I woke up in the middle of the night subconsciously scratching at it. Now, the area just looks bruised and I don't know if I delayed the healing. In addition, I've developed all these little red bumps in different places on my body and they keep cropping up. They don't itch very much but still feel irritated, especially when clothing rubs at them. They weren't there when I went to the clinic on Wednesday so I have no idea if they are related to the rash or not.
I wish I had a resolute, concluding statement to this post but I really don't. I want so badly to be back to normal and am asking God for it but for this moment God has said "no" and is asking me to say "hallelujah" back. I'm trusting Jesus to heal me and restore my skin but don't know when or through what method it will happen. In the meantime I will choose to sit among the ashes with Job and accept this trouble from the Lord, trusting that He will absolutely use it for His highest glory.
"'Have faith in God,' Jesus answered. 'I tell you the truth, if anyone says to this mountain, 'Go, throw yourself into the heart of the sea,' and does not doubt in his heart but believes that what he says will happen, it will be done for him. Therefore, I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours...'" Mark 11:22-24
I think I cried more between Monday and Wednesday than I have all year long. My condition frustrated me beyond belief because not only was I in pain, but it was completely preventing me from engaging my schedule and carrying out my usual activities. I went to give a class presentation with my group on Tuesday with red, puffy eyes, having only halfheartedly rehearsed it twice. Also, I had a finance paper due Thursday but it seemed like every time I tried to sit down to work on it, the itchy sensation would flare up. I was so indignant that this condition was slowing me down. However, my resolved attempts to resist it would completely break down with every itchy episode, leading to a fresh flow of genuine tears of frustration. Even through my pain, I sensed the Lord's presence with me. Beth Moore's words from Passion kept echoing in my head: "if God did not see that it could be used for your equipping, He would have said 'no'". I had to believe that my discomfort had a purpose and I was desperate for God to show me His will through this circumstance.
I think God granted me a few nuggets of wisdom through all this. First, I'm realizing how little I actually depend on God on any given day. How little I legitimately acknowledge with my life and my attitude that I can't live or function without Him. Second, I had spent some time meditating on Mark 11:22-25 a few days before this incident and I wonder if God could be using my skin condition to test my belief in His promise, challenging me to believe that if I have the faith to believe that He can heal me, it will be done. Third, I'm learning that intimacy with Him is not a given, even in suffering. As much as I can know in my head that Jesus has felt my pain and even so much more, something different has to happen in my heart for me to actually find joy in that. It requires me to lift my eyes above my circumstances and actually want the Holy Spirit to change my heart. I'm becoming convinced that joy can only be a product of the Holy Spirit working in my heart, helping me to relate my suffering to the suffering of Jesus. In that, He is giving me a new understanding of Matthew 11:28-30. Lastly, I'm learning to cherish moments of peace. As soon as I woke up on Thursday morning, I realized that I didn't feel any sensation at all around my neck but knew it would come back once I started moving around. Without shifting my position at all, I intentionally thanked God for the gift of a moment of peace and relief.
Even now, I'm still not really well. The oral steroids have done a lot but the severe itching on my neck has only been reducing to a prickly sensation of sorts. The rash on my neck had started looking better but last night, I woke up in the middle of the night subconsciously scratching at it. Now, the area just looks bruised and I don't know if I delayed the healing. In addition, I've developed all these little red bumps in different places on my body and they keep cropping up. They don't itch very much but still feel irritated, especially when clothing rubs at them. They weren't there when I went to the clinic on Wednesday so I have no idea if they are related to the rash or not.
I wish I had a resolute, concluding statement to this post but I really don't. I want so badly to be back to normal and am asking God for it but for this moment God has said "no" and is asking me to say "hallelujah" back. I'm trusting Jesus to heal me and restore my skin but don't know when or through what method it will happen. In the meantime I will choose to sit among the ashes with Job and accept this trouble from the Lord, trusting that He will absolutely use it for His highest glory.
"'Have faith in God,' Jesus answered. 'I tell you the truth, if anyone says to this mountain, 'Go, throw yourself into the heart of the sea,' and does not doubt in his heart but believes that what he says will happen, it will be done for him. Therefore, I tell you, whatever you ask for in prayer, believe that you have received it, and it will be yours...'" Mark 11:22-24
Labels: faith
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